Thursday, January 27, 2011

10 Steps to Doing Your Own Laundry

1.      Prepare materials: 1 jerry can, 2 clean basins, laundry soap, laundry scrub, semi-clean bathroom (i.e., move all of Lauren’s “soaking” laundry out of the way).
2.      Fill one jerry can full of water from across the yard where the faucet shoots water in every direction while filling the can…but the water is free. Replace the red cap.
3.      Lug one full jerry can of water from the outside faucet, through the house, to the bathroom without dropping the jerry can and splitting it wide open so as to spill its contents all over the living room floor.
4.      Dump one-half jerry can of water over the clothes piled in the clean green basin. Replace the red cap.
5.      Dunk all the clothes until they’re all soaked, give up trying to keep the bathroom dry (including yourself). Try not to kill yourself on the slippery floors.
6.      Pour a teaspoon or so of liquid Tide onto one of those fancy Thule-like bushy, scrubby things.
7.      Choose the first item of clothing and start scrubbing until the lather runs down your elbows and legs and gets on the clothes you’re wearing. Scrub every inch inside and out. Wonder how automatic machines ever get clothes clean at all for the good job you’re doing.
8.      Dunk the first item of clothing in the basin water and give it a general ring to get most of the moisture out. Toss that item into the second clean, green basin.
9.      Repeat for all items of clothing. Wash the important things first because the later items will be lucky to get a twirl or two in the now-dirty water because your arms will be tired from scrubbing the bejeebers out of the first items.
10.  Empty and rinse the first green tub and swap for the second green tub containing soapy, semi-wet clothing.
11.  Dump the last half of the jerry can of water on the soapy, semi-wet clothing. Replace the red cap.
12.  Swish the soapy clothes around in the clean water, gently wring, and swish some more.
13.  Wring the adequately rinsed clothing until: (a) the elastic is stretched way out of shape (as attested to in the post-dry fit) or, (b) all the non elastic strings holding the clothing together have snapped.
14.  Try not to pass out when standing given that you’ve been crouching for the past half hour.
15.  Consider showering since you’re now wet and covered with laundry soap. Don’t want to waste water or soap.
16.  Carry the clean green basin full of wrung clothes to the outside community clothes line.
17.  Negotiate with neighbors about who has the right to use the line on any given day.
18.  Return to the house with the clean green basin full of wrung clothing and proceed to hang them from small hooks around the living room. Hang undies in the bedroom in case company comes. Try not to hang things near the electrical outlets.
19.  Turn on the fans…if the electricity works.
20.  Wonder why your clothes are so worn out and don’t fit anymore.

Right, it’s not exactly 10 steps but it’s a lot more work than you’d think.